One of the scariest moments in my life was the car ride down to the Emergency Room at 4:00 in the morning. I had been getting occasional stomach aches for the past couple months, but none of them ever sent to me to the hospital. . . .until now. The pain had become so intense that I could no longer sleep, stand, or lie down. I could only sit down bent over tightly clutching my stomach. Once in the ER, I was put into a bed and immediately put on pain killers. The pain killers made me very sleepy which doesn't sound like a very bad thing considering the lack of sleep I had gotten the previous night. The problem was, when I began to fall asleep the nurses realized that I was not breathing and had to quickly put me on oxygen. I took a couple tests and the doctors found out that I had obstructed bowels, which occurs when your intestines are twisted together. I then went for a very long and painful ride to Kapiolani Hospital.
Unfortunately, the hospital was a very familiar place to me. Due to my kidney cancer when I was 6 six years old, I have been coming to the hospital every year ever since. Surprisingly, a lot of the nurses on my room's floor still remembered me. I was greeted with friendly hello's and smiles, but I was not in the mood for a reunion. One of the doctors came in and talked to my mom and I and said that I would probably only have to stay for about 5 days. I eagerly counted down the days til I was able to return home. But my hopes were crushed on day 5 when the doctor said that I would have to get surgery to fix my intestines. Surgery meant that I would only have to stay in for a couple more days. Not too bad, I thought. But once again my wishes of going home did not come true due to the inside of my stomach getting infected during the surgery.
From that point, I was in the hospital for another month. Despite all the pain I was going through I think my mom was taking this hospitalization the hardest. I realized that I had to be strong for her and had to try and do more things by myself everyday. Up until that moment, I had been taking things that everyone did for me for granted. The whole hospital experience made realize how much people do for me and that I should be very thankful for the wonderful family and friends that I have.
Fortunately, I made it out of the hospital safe and sound. But that point on, I have been much more thankful for everything that I have in my life. I now appreciate my family and friends so much more and I never take anything for granted.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Hello there KAI!!
Alrighty, so I'll try to keep this short and precise.
OMG! I totally remember when you were gone for a whole semester! That was really saddening. And, now I see what you had to go through.
I really enjoyed reading your essay. I could get a feel of what happened. Great start on your draft. Also, good job in successfully keeping your draft short and straight to the point - something that will probably take me a lifetime to master. Your concluding paragraph is the most memorable. You were able to tie your experience and what you have learned together into a paragraph - nice closing to your draft.
However, I just wanted to point out one thing: I sort of got confused in the first paragraph. It seemed as though you were already in the hospital, until that last sentence:" I then went for a very long and painful ride to Kapiolani Hospital."
- Try to fix this part up a little.
Note that this is a narrative piece of writing as well.
One last notice: You did a good job on selecting one incident that greatly affected your life and influenced you to become a more mature person. Now, your task is to detail the incident a little more. Try to bring it to "life." Maybe, add a few dialogue here and there. Also, try to expand on the situation. For example: "One of the doctors came in and talked to my mom and I and said that I would probably only have to stay for about 5 days. I eagerly counted down the days til I was able to return home. But my hopes were crushed on day 5 when the doctor said that I would have to get surgery to fix my intestines. Surgery meant that I would only have to stay in for a couple more days. Not too bad, I thought. But once again my wishes of going home did not come true due to the inside of my stomach getting infected during the surgery." In this part of your draft, try to 'show' what happened during that wait. Show how you felt, what you went through, and what went on in your mind.
Overall, great start! Excellent selection for a Coming of Age piece!
Ideas: I think this is one of the best stories to write about :) theres a lot you can talk about this and you had good ideas but I know theres more can and want to add (don't be lazy Mr.)Just stick with what you have and maybe add to it if you can.
Voice: Well of course you have voice in this but maybe put more detail like explain specific experiences like the dress changing because I know theres a lot voice you can put in that.
Organization: I think its perfectly organized. Its in chronological order in the begining and then in the end it kind of concludes everything and summarizes the main idea.
Word Choice: Your word choice was good but there are parts that you can improve on I think. Maybe just make some finishing touches on the grammar and spelling.
One thing I really liked about the essay was the end because it taught me something new about you and your so brave and courages i'm honored to say i'm your friend :) I know its corny but your essay means a lot. Good Job!!! Keep it up maybe not VALEDICTORIAN but maybe you can still get into a good college :D lolz
Post a Comment