Finally everyone shows up and as I walk toward the dessert of my dreams. I look at my mom as she gives me a look that I have seen many times before. A look that says "Let the guests take first." I go to get my dinner to try and distract my stomach. The whole time that I'm eating my dinner I'm thinking of the butter mochi.
At last! It's my turn to take my first piece of the delectable dessert. As I take my first bite, my mouth explodes with all the flavor and texture of the mochi. This would be the highlight of my night. With my family, if you want some of the butter mochi you have to take fast because it goes fast. Everyone always fights over the corners and edges of the dish. These pieces are the best because of the crunchy outside and the warm soft inside, making it the perfect piece.
When I interviewed my mom about this dessert she told me a story about when she had to make it four times in one day. She wanted to give pieces of the mochi away as gifts for a special occasion. She woke up early in the morning to start and worked until late afternoon. "It was tons of fun," she explained, "but plenty of work."
I absolutely love my mom's butter mochi and I look forward to eating it at our next family party, but then again. . . .who doesn't?!
2 comments:
Ideas: I like your ideas and how it starts of as explaining when you eat it and then getting more specific and how you explain your exact emotions inthe memory.
Organization: Your organization is good and how you used quotes from your moms interview like "It was tons of fun," she explained, "but plenty of work." but I don't think it was the perfect quote for your essay. I think you could have picked an quote that matched the rest of your examples and details.
Voice: Your voice reall shows in your essay and I thiink you did a good job of going really into detail about your experiences. For example how you talk about waiting for so long and you make the reader really feel bad for you and want you to hurry up and get the mochi haha. But I think you could have made it more specipic like what Mrs. Sueoka said like write about a certain day not just a general something that happens every year. Write about something specic and memories that made that one day special
Word Choice: Your word choice was okay it could have been a lot better because like "crunchy" can be explained better. You should work on discovering new words and using then=m to make your essay more interesting and detailed.
Overall your essay was okay but theres a lot you can improve on and I look forward to seeing your revised version because this was good but next one will be better! :) Good Job Kai!
Love,
Kiyo
Hi Kai,
I agree with you on butter mochi :) It truly is heavenly ;)
I also agree with Kiyo that you could use more specific details. For example, as you are describing the mochi, you say it's mouthwatering, soft, taunting...your mouth explodes with the taste and texture of the mochi...but notice, you have not really identified what that taste, that smell, that texture really is.
You also need to describe a bit more about how it is made. There are no specific details about that either, except that it as fun and hard work.
mrs s
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